Absolutely Fabulous - Series Two Quotes

Paul's Web Space: Fan Stuff: Absolutely Fabulous: Series Two Quotes

Patsy
Listen, Saffy. I am the victim in this case. I mean he's just using me for publicity. He's just riding on my back to get his pathetic little face in the papers.
Edina
Exactly, sweetie. Patsy has had the hassle and trauma. She's been forced to leave her flat, darling.
Saffron
Forced? Even the cockroaches left that hole of their own accord.

Edina
That's ridiculous. Those bastard scum filth of the Press. darling...
Saffron
Well, make up your mind! One minute they're scum and the next you're giving them lunch and pouring booze down their throats in the great name of PR.
Edina
Booze? Booze? Sweetie? Booze, darling? Is that what they call it down the Uni Bar? Booze, sweetie, is it? Will you be popping in there, darling, after a hard day's lecture for some half-a- pint of shandy booze?

Edina
'Patsy is ..." Uh?
Patsy
Yes
Edina
Aged forty-seven!
Patsy
Aagh! I'll sue
Saffron
Well, hold is she?
Patsy
I'm thirty-nine
Saffron
And I'm an ovum.

Mother
Nothing like a good old sex scandal. Bit more exciting than the ones in my day.
Edina
God, what was it in your day? "Woman shows ankle to chimney-sweep shock'!

Edina's Doctor
Well we removed this. It's an acupuncture needle. It must have worked its way down.
Edina
But I've only ever had cranial acupuncture. Oh! How many organs has it harpooned on its way down there. I'm like a needle-dumping ground.

Nurse
You want to lose weight? You want to move your fat bottom and get that mouth sewn up. You want to help the environment? Use your fat bottom and plug up the ozone layer.

Nurse
Have you recently had or are you due for your period?
Edina
Well, yes, both. Why is that important?
Nurse
No, I'm just making conversation.

Edina
I don't want to end up as some drugged up zombie in a hospital, all right?
Saffron
I thought that would appeal to you.
Edina
I want to die with a bit of dignity, you know. I don't want the last words I hear to be 'Switch her off'.

Edina
Oh, sweetie. Oh, darling. Oh, God, sweetie. What a day. What a day I've had, sweetie darling, darling, darling, sweetie. I have been at work since I left here this morning.
Saffron
Do you want some lunch?

Saffron
What are Pop-Specs?
Edina
What are Pop-Specs? Are you dead? Are you dead?

Saffron
Mum, why should I be happy that you're going to spend thousands of pounds ...?
Edina
Hundreds of thousands of pounds.
Saffron
... persuading people to buy some cheap bit of plastic junk that they don't even want ...
Edina
... don't know they want yet, sweetie...
Saffron
for things that will then be thrown away in a matter of months once the novelty wears off and will sit around polluting the planet.

Edina
Now, you have got the information, haven't you?
Bubble
Most of it, yeah, oh yeah, until the special thing broke.
Saffron
Mum!
Edina
Well, hang on... What thing?
Bubble
The thing that's attached to the typewriter. Little animal with a ball.
Edina
What animal?
Bubble
Little animal. Small... Creeps about... Not a rat...
Patsy
A gerbil?
Saffron
A squirrel? Hedgehog?
Edina
No, no, don't panic her, or we'll never get anywhere. Mouse?
Bubble
Yeah, the mouse that's got a telly with VD.
Edina
All right, the VDU. The word processor?
Bubble
Yeah... That fell off the table when I took the mouse home.

Saffron
Oh! Mum, that man just pinched me!
Patsy
Don't worry. He's obviously very old and completely blind.

Saffron
If you're starving you'd eat this.
Edina
Sweetie. If they took the face off, I'd eat it.

Edina
Patsy had them ... Patsy had the Ecstas ... Ecstasy, sweetie. I just said no. No to drugs. No-no-no.
Saffron
Well something kept you going till three o'clock this morning.
Edina
Just a little coke, sweetie.

Carmen
It's taken me all bloody day to do a journey that takes a couple of hours. How many bastards need to look at my ticket and then stare inexplicably at a crap computer screen for hours on end? What is the point of asking me if I packed my bag myself? 'Oh, no, I let some total bastard of Middle Eastern origins pack it for me?'

Hamish
Where have you been?
Carmen
Spain
Hamish
Ah, off the beaten track ... Andalusia, forgotten Catalania. My own secret Majorca.
Carmen
More like my own secret arsehole. It was a shitty bit of coastline ruined by patronizing English gits. 'Oh you must come over and share a rather fine local Rioja. Oh, piss of you sad twats!'
Hamish
Oh, dear. Mr Dictionary seems to have deserted us again.

Hamish
Listen, you old tart. Can we not think of a nice way of putting this? How about 'We gazed on canpes and feasted on roasted suckling pig and juicy carciofi beneath a bewildering array of stars beside a pool brimming with azure blue...' You can't put 'We all sat around and ate free foreign crap then vomited.'

Edina
I had to clear out my wardrobe, get rid of all these horrible revolting, unfashionable clothes that I simply would not wear, darling, because they are not fashion. I've put them on the floor to throw out.
Mother
I thought you'd put them on, dear.

Edina
Although why anybody wants to be a student nowadays is a mystery to me. No fun, darling, no demos, not experimental drug-taking.

Edina
I could have been a student.
Mother
Oh-ho-ho. Thick as two short planks, her reports said.
Edina
It did not say that, it did not say that. Ask Patsy, darling. she wrote most of them.

Edina
Can I just say one word in my defence ... Um?
Saffron
I don't think that's a good idea, Mum. Your mouth is working for the prosecution.
Edina
Oh, darling, this is what I do well, sweetie. You might pick up a few tips for the Debating Society, darling, you never know. Without notes, Saff.

Edina
Right - The proposed accused think that, well I mean, you know, well the day in question was not a good day for me, all right? But, I put it to you that I don't see how any day could have been good the way this bloody country's run. Well, you know, I was just trying to take control of my life, you know, only to find that actually it's controlled for me by petty rules and laws that just obstruct every tiny little action until you find you've committed a crime without even knowing it. I mean, you know, why can't life just be made a little easier for everybody, eh? Why can't it be more like the Continent, um? You know, where a man can just park his car on the pavement and then run down the street in front of charging bulls while letting fireworks off out his bloody nostrils without anyone blinking an eye? Uh? Because it's probably a local holiday and nobody's at work because they all want to have just a little bit of fun and they're not intimidated by some outdated work ethic. I mean, there has to be more to life than just being safe...
Judge:
Is there a point to all this?
Edina
Yes, Yes! Why, oh why, do we pay taxes, um? I mean, just to have bloody parking restrictions and buggery-ugly traffic wardens, and bollocky-pedestrian-bloody-crossings, and those bastard railings outside shops, so you can't even get in them? I mean, I know they are there to stop stupid people running into the street and killing themselves, but we're not all stupid, we don't all need nursemaiding. I mean, why not just have a 'Stupidity Tax', just tax the stupid people.
Patsy
Let them die!
Edina
Yes!
Judge:
Any more of this ridiculous rant and I'll put you both away ...
Mother
Hear, hear.

Saffron
Mum, come one, please. There's a fire in the kitchen.
Edina
I'm trying to put something on, sweetie.
Saffron
We're going to die if we don't get out now. It doesn't matter what you wear. Come on.
Edina
Oh, God, I just hate all my clothes. Why have I never got anything to wear. What shall I put on? What, what, what shall I put on? I'm just fat, fat, fat. Why won't my cells stop dividing and multiplying?

Saffron
What do you think could have caused it?
Fireman
Could have been a cigarette.
Edina
Patsy!
Saffron
Where was she?
Edina
Down there! (indicating kitchen) Where's she gone, darling? She can't be down there. She could never let six grown men out alive. She can't be here...

Edina
You cannot give these sort of clothes to the poor! Well, I'm sure they've got enough to contend with, without the added humiliation of wearing last-season, sweetie.

Edina
I did tell you the facts of life, didn't I, sweetie?
Saffron
If you mean that time you sat on my bed and shook me awake at two o'clock in the morning, stoned out of your brain, and then slurred into my ear 'By the way, sweetie, people have it off', then, yes, you told me the facts of life.