Absolutely Fabulous - Series One Quotes

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Edina
Panic Attack! Panic Attack!

Edina
What is that on the toast?
Saffron
It's honey, Mother.
Edina
Oh, my god ... Oh, my god. Honey! That's not honey. Sweetie, that's my bloody royal jelly moisturizer. You are eating £300-worth of royal jelly that has been hand-squished from a bee's backside. And not just any old bee, but the bloody Gucci of bees.

Saffron
Flattery won't turn me into your servant. The coffee is on the table in front of you .... Pick up a spoon .... Put coffee in cup ... Pour on boiling water.
Edina
Scald hand .... Third-degree burns....Screaming in agony. Do you really want that on your conscience, darling?

Saffron
Mum, you've absolved yourself of responsibility. You live from self-induced crisis to self-induced crisis. Somebody chooses what you wear. Someone does your brain. Someone tells you what to eat, and, three times a week, someone sticks a hose up your bum and flushes it all out of you.
Edina
It's called colonic irrigation, darling, and it's not to be sniffed at.
Saffron
Why can't you just go to the toilet like normal people?
Edina
Is that what you really want me to be? Normal? Some boring, normal, old toilet-goer? ‘Where's mummy?’ ‘She's on the toilet.’ ‘But I want to go somewhere exciting and meet interesting people.’ ‘She can't take you ... she's on the toilet.’

Saffron
You're not so fat.
Edina
I am. Why?
Saffron
Mum, you eat too much. You drink too much and you take no exercise.
Edina
It's much more likely to be an allergy to something. A build-up of toxins or a hormone imbalance. You know, darling, I have a very heavy aura. That's why animals love me.
Saffron
They just see you as something to hibernate in.

Saffron
You can't just take huge quantities of speed to lose weight.
Edina
You can, sweetie. He treats royalty. Who wouldn't suffer a mild coronary for that degree of weight loss?
Saffron
Mum, all you've got to do is eat less and take a bit of exercise.
Edina
If it was that easy, darling, everyone would be doing it. Anyway, what do you mean? I do exercise.
Saffron
You get out of bed. It ends there.

Edina
There is no difference between me and the table, me and a tree, me and Madonna, for god's sake!
Saffron
Except you have a fatter bottom!

Saffron
There's more of your blood sitting in test-tubes around the world than presently circulating in your veins. You have tried every fad drug that has ever existed. More money has been poured into your quest for "Twiggy- ness" than goes in aid to most third-world nations .... and somehow you're two stone overweight.

Edina
We'll go on public transport, Pats.
Patsy
What? I haven't got anything to wear on public transport.

Bubble
A few of the ... oh, what d'you call'ems came through.
Edina
What?
Bubble
The paper comes out.
Edina
What? What paper?
Bubble
Very important, urgent, paper.
Edina
What? Tell me.
Bubble
The paper that comes out of the answer machine.
Edina
Fax?

Patsy
What are you going to sell?
Edina
You know, just gorgeous things.
Patsy
Oooooh, lovely.
Edina
Just gorgeous, lovely, tasteful, beautiful, stylish....
Patsy
Expensive....
Edina
Obviously, Anouska Hempelly presenty things.

Patsy
Ivana Trump?
Edina
Not bad.
Bubble
God, do you think so? Looks like the classic bimbo to me. Look at that terrible blonde hair piled on top of her head, false tan, she's far too thin, always pouting, absolutely no character, skirts too short. I mean, it's pathetic, older woman struggling to look twenty-five. (realises she's describing Patsy) Sorry.
Patsy
I think she's tremendous.

Edina
Saffy doesn't want you to stay. Do you, darling? She wants a bit of freedom. Doesn't need you cramping her style. Wants to have parties, with boys and friends, play loud music and ....
Bubble
Have orgies.
Edina
Yes, and smash the place up and crash out on the floor.
Bubble
In a pool of sick.
Saffron
I don't.
Edina
Well, why bloody not? Just try it once.

Edina
Something has been stolen from my room.
Saffron
What?
Edina
A certain little something precious to me.
Bubble
Have you seen this pot?
Edina
Where? Where have you seen it? Tell me.

Mother
This filtered water boils very quickly.
Bubble
That's because there's less of it.

Saffron
They are illegal drugs. You use them like most people have after-dinner mints ... to round off a meal. Either you sniff something to make you speedy or smoke a little something to make you jellybrained. Either way you end up more boring than you can imagine.
Edina
That's rich coming from someone who lives their life at a level of boredom that would make a battery chicken think of taking up an evening class.

Edina
Am I on the wrong side or the right side of the road? Wake up, Patsy, I can't go on till I'm sure.
Patsy
Keep driving, Eddy. You haven't hit anything, yet.

Patsy
Absolutely ridiculous. Stopping me! Look at the people you're letting through stoned. Chinese hippies with back-packs, for god's sake.

Male Officer
The white powder we found was a perfectly harmless, innocent substance. You are all free to go.
Patsy
I beg your pardon.
Male Officer
You are free to go.
Patsy
Just hang on there. I demand you retest it. Come back here. I paid a huge amount of money for that. Don't you tell me it's talcum powder.

Edina
Watch out, Pats, we are now entering a ‘no fun’ zone.
Patsy
A coven.
Edina
Don't look so worried, darling. We're just coming down to grab a bite of lunch and then we'll take it upstairs. We'll just grab some dry bread and a cup of water and scuttle back upstairs.

Edina
There's nothing you can tell Patsy about arranging balls. She was always very good at genetics.
Saffron
I'm not surprised. She's been a walking sperm bank most of her life.

Patsy
Oh, my god, there's something horrible on the stairs.
Saffron
It's me.
Patsy
I'm not blind.

Edina
I'm sorry if that seems selfish, but it's me, me, me.

Saffron
You've only ever used the cooker to light your fags off.

Patsy
What do you want? Champagne?
Edina
Yes. Anything that will blur reality.

Edina
How can there be so much pain, but not a single mark?

Patsy
You had fun. Who gives a shit, darling?

Edina
Patsy is an insomniac!
Saffron
More like the living dead.

Saffron
Don't you like my room?
Patsy
Well, it's as I expected. A cell ... curtains.

Patsy
I know I pretend to hate you, and you pretend to hate me.
Saffron
I do hate you.
Patsy
Why?
Saffron
You're a despicable person who has resented me since the day I was born.
Patsy
Before.

Patsy
You can never have enough ... hats, gloves and shoes.